If you need a laugh, these are some very funny comments on soccer... ahem... football that is 'Kevin Keegan said if he had a blank sheet of paper, five names would be on it' - ALVIN MARTIN Mick McCarthy will have to replace Cascarino because he's quickly running out of legs.' - MARK LAWRENSON 'Hearts are now playing with a five man back four.' - ALAN MCINALLY 'The tackles are coming in thick and thin' - ALAN BRAZIL 'He's like all great players - he's not a great player yet.' - TREVOR FRANCIS 'If that ball had crossed the line, it would have been a goal.' - ANTONIO RATTIN 'Historically, the host nations do well in Euro 2000.' - TREVOR BROOKING 'For Burnley to win they are going to have to score.' - CHRIS KAMARA 'If Glenn Hoddle had been any other nationality, he would have had 70 or 80 caps for England.' - JOHN BARNES 'The team must try to get their ship back on the road.' - RAY WILKINS 'That would have been the icing on his start.' - DAVID PLEAT 'He's a two-legged tripod, if you know what I mean' - GRAHAM RICHARDS 'Barnsley have started off the way they mean to begin.' - CHRIS KAMARA 'I don't want to be either partial or impartial' - FRANK MCLINTOCK 'If there's one thing Gus Uhlenbeek's got, it's pace and determination' - RAY HOUGHTON 'The problems at Wimbledon seem to be that the club has suffered a loss of complacency' - JOE KINNEAR 'He signals to the bench with his groin' - MARK BRIGHT 'Once Tony Daley opens his legs, you've got a problem.' - HOWARD WILKINSON 'Ray Wilkins' day will come one night' - BOBBY ROBSON 'Most of the players will be wearing rubbers tonight.' - GARY LINEKER 'It's the end of season curtain raiser' - PETER WITHE 'They're still in the game, and they're trying to get back into it.' - JIMMY HILL 'Signori has all the tricks up his book.' - RAY WILKINS 'It was one of those goals that's invariably a goal.' - DENIS LAW 'I'd say he's the best in Europe, if you put me on the fence.' - BOBBY ROBSON 'Glenn is putting his head in the frying pan.' - OSSIE ARDILES 'We're not used to weather in June in this country.' - JIMMY HILL 'England now have three fresh men,with three fresh legs.' - JIMMY HILL 'Di Matteo's taken to playing in midfield like a duck out of water.' - PETER OSGOOD 'There's Bergkamp standing on the halfway line, with his hands on his hips, flailing his arms about.' - JOHN SCALES 'If England get a point, it will be a point gained as opposed to two points lost.' - MARK LAWRENSON 'Hagi could open a tin of beans with his left foot' - RAY CLEMENCE 'We are now in the middle of the centre of the first half' - DAVID PLEAT 'The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes.' - STEVE COPPELL 'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.' - RUUD GULLIT 'A game is not won until it is lost.' - DAVID PLEAT 'Wimbledon are putting balls into the blender.' - RODNEY MARS 'Unfortunately, we don't get a second chance. We've already played them twice.' - TREVOR BROOKING 'Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals.' - PETER WITHE 'That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the goal.' - BRIAN MARWOOD 'Stoichkov is pointing at the bench with his eyes.' - DAVID PLEAT 'If there's a weakness in Chelsea's defence, it's in their defence.' - Radio 5 'Brazil, the favourites - if they are the favourites, which they are...' - BRIAN CLOUGH 'If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again.' - TERRY VENABLES 'They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around.' - TERRY VENABLES ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 'He has got perfect control over the ball right up to the minute he lets it go.' - PETER WALKER 'They're all on top of their game - fans and players alike.' - DAVID FAIRCLOUGH 'They've missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame.' - RON GREENWOOD 'If you're going to score one goal or less, you're not going to get your victories.' - TREVOR BROOKING 'Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together.' - MALCOLM MACDONALD 'The Arsenal defence is skating close to the wind.' - JACK CHARLTON 'He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him.' - BOBBY ROBSON 'He has a great understanding of where the goalkeeper is in relationship to the goal.' - DAVID PLEAT 'With eight minutes left, the game could be won in the next five or ten minutes' - JIMMY ARMFIELD 'Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different.' - TREVOR BROOKING 'That's football Mike - Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored, but England have had no chances and scored twice.' - TREVOR BROOKING 'Fortunately, Paul Scholes' injury wasn't as bad as we'd hoped for.' - TREVOR BROOKING' 'I think that their young legs would have found younger hearts inside them.' - JIMMY ARMFIELD 'He's got a brain under his hair.' - DAVID PLEAT 'If there are any managers out there with a bottomless pit, I'm sure that they would be interested in these two Russians.' - DAVID PLEAT 'Ronaldo is always very close to being onside or offside' - RAY WILKINS 'Tottenham have impressed me : they haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun.' - BOBBY ROBSON It's end to end stuff, but from side to side' - TREVOR BROOKING 'He [Brian Laudrup] wasn't just facing one defender : he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well.' - TREVOR STEVEN 'He'll be giving everything, but he hasn't got everything to give.' - IAN ST JOHN 'Football's football: If that weren't the case it wouldn't be the game that it is.' - GARTH CROOKS 'And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold.' - JIMMY HILL 'It's one of the greatest goals ever, but I'm surprised that people are talking about it being the goal of the season.' - ANDY GRAY JIMMY HILL: 'Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"TERRY VENABLES: 'I think it's fifty - fifty' 'The Brazilians aren't as good as they used to be, or as they are now.' - KENNY DALGLISH 'He hit the post, and after the game people are going to say, well, he hit the post.' - JIMMY GREAVES 'It may have been going wide, but nevertheless it was a great shot on target.' - TERRY VENABLES 'He held his head in his hands as it flashed past the post.' - ALAN BRAZIL 'Zola's got two feet.' - DAVID PLEAT 'Venison and Butcher are as brave as two peas in a pod.' - JOHN SILLETT 'It wasn't a bad performance, but you can't tell whether it was good or bad.' - JIMMY HILL 'The keeper was coming out in instalments.' - JOE ROYLE 'I'd like to see him scoring two or more goals in games which United win 1-0.' - BRIAN WOOLNOUGH 'They've come out with all cylinders flying.' - LUTHER BLISSETT 'Germany are probably, arguably, undisputed champions of Europe.' - BRYAN HAMILTON 'The teams at the bottom of the premiership are conceding a lot of goals and that's no coincidence.' - BARRY VENISON 'I think that France, Germany, Spain, Holland and England will join Brazil in the semi-finals.' - PELE 'Fiorentina start the second half attacking their fans; just the way they like things.' - RAY WILKINS 'The Newcastle back three, back four, back five have been at sixes and sevens.' - BARRY VENISON 'He [Ian Wright] is missing the absence of Dennis [Bergkamp].' - BRIAN MARWOOD 'It was a definite penalty but Wright made a right swan-song of it.' - JACK CHARLTON 'In the words of the old song, it's a long time from May to December but, you know, it's an equally long time from December to May." - JIMMY HILL 'I'd be surprised if all 22 players are on the field at the end of the game - one's already been sent off.' - GEORGE BEST 'He [Beckham] has two feet, which a lot of players don't have nowadays.' - JIMMY HILL 'They [Manchester United] are breathing down the heels of Liverpool now.' - GARY NEWBON 'We signed to play until the day we died, and we did.' - JIMMY GREAVES 'They'll perhaps finish in the top three. I can't see them finishing any higher.' - DON HOWE 'Kevin Keegan has now tasted the other side of the fence.' - DAVE MERRINGTON 'Martin Keown is up everybody's backsides.' - TREVOR BROOKING 'Preki quite literally only has the one foot.' - DAVID PLEAT 'I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish.' - IAN ST JOHN 'Apart from their goals, Norway wouldn't have scored.' - TERRY VENABLES 'The Croatians don't play well without the ball.' - BARRY VENISON 'He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss.' - BOBBY ROBSON 'Manchester United have hit the ground running - albeit with a 3-0 defeat.' - BOB WILSON 'That's no remedy for success.' - CHRIS WADDLE 'The World Cup is every four years, so it's going to be a perennial problem.' - GARY LINEKER 'The gelling period has just started to knit.' - RAY WILKINS 'Emmanuel Petit has won more medals than any other player in the Premiership this year, although Patrick Vieira's won the same medals.' - BRIAN WOOLNOUGH 'To be fair, I don't think Les Ferdinand was fouled there - I think he went over on his own ability.' - ALAN MULLERY 'Well, I've seen some tackles, Jonathan, but that was the ultimatum!' - ALAN MULLERY '...Jurgen Klinsmann, who refutes to earn £25,000 a week.' - ALAN MULLERY 'He's not going to adhere himself to the fans' - ALAN MULLERY 'It doesn't endow me, to be honest...' - ALAN MULLERY 'I can't understand the notoriety of people' - ALAN MULLERY 'It's sometimes easier to defend a one goal lead than a two goal lead.' - MARK LAWRENSON 'Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who's facing him.' - DAVID PLEAT 'Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball.' - IAN ST JOHN 'He just got his body between himself and the goal.' - RAY CLEMENCE 'Even if you tap it in from one yard it counts in the record books as a goal, unlike the chances you miss.' - JIMMY HILL 'Korsten is making a meal of it...er...that's clearly a penalty, yes.' - TREVOR FRANCIS 'For such a small man Maradona gets great elevation on his balls' - DAVID PLEAT 'He's a great little player...who scored it again?' - JACK CHARLTON 'We were a little bit outnumbered there, it was two against two.' - FRANK MCLINTOCK 'If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal.' - JIMMY HILL 'They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places.' - JOHN GIDMAN 'You're always going to be struggling if you haven't got a left foot' - TREVOR BROOKING 'That's a 14-15 pointer there if there ever was one.' - BARRY VENISON 'There won't be a dry house in the place.' - MARK LAWRENSON 'The candle is still very much in the melting pot.' - ALAN MCINALLY 'The Scots have really got their hands cut out tonight' - TREVOR FRANCIS 'When Celtic get an opportunity to go above Rangers they've got to jump at it with both hands.' - ALAN MULLERY 'Guppy has a dextrous left foot.' - BOBBY ROBSON 'Flo literally turned Taricco inside-out.' - TREVOR FRANCIS Registered: Jan 2006 posted 05 October 2006 12:17 PM Edit/Delete Message <http://forums.liverpoolfc.tv/cgi-bin/postings.cgi?action=editpost&forum=e-Season+Ticket+Football+Forum&number=15&topic=120277.cgi&ReplyNum=000015&TopicSubject=Sometimes+Commentators+should+keep+their+mouths+shut> ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Who remembers Asa Hartford ? A commentator once said of him, "Asa is giving a whole hearted peformance" ....only minutes before it was being explanined by the same commentator that Asa had a "hole in the heart" condition. Roy Keane, his face punches the air...' - ALAN BRAZIL 'He wasn't really trying to score with that shot.' - DAVID PLEAT 'Those are the sort of doors that get opened if you don't close them' - TERRY VENABLES 'And you don't score 118 goals in 120 games by missing from there.' - JON CHAMPION '...and tonight we have the added ingredient of Kenny Dalglish not being here' - MARTIN TYLER 'And for those of you watching without television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2' - DAVID COLEMAN 'Chris Waddle is off the pitch at the moment - exactly the position he is at his most menacing.' - GERALD SINSTADT 'The Bulgarian team are here with a relatively 'old' squad. They impressed at USA 94, but, well, they're four years older now, most of them.' - CBS commentator 'Figo is as important to England as Beckham is.' - MARK LAWRENSON 'If they play together, you've got two of them.' - DION DUBLIN Not only has he shown him the red card . . . He's sent him off as well. Chris Kamara ________________________________________________________________________ Check out the new AOL. 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