TECHNET Archives

December 2008

TechNet@IPC.ORG

Options: Use Monospaced Font
Show Text Part by Default
Show All Mail Headers

Message: [<< First] [< Prev] [Next >] [Last >>]
Topic: [<< First] [< Prev] [Next >] [Last >>]
Author: [<< First] [< Prev] [Next >] [Last >>]

Print Reply
Subject:
From:
Brian Ellis <[log in to unmask]>
Reply To:
TechNet E-Mail Forum <[log in to unmask]>, Brian Ellis <[log in to unmask]>
Date:
Fri, 5 Dec 2008 10:18:52 +0200
Content-Type:
text/plain
Parts/Attachments:
text/plain (111 lines)
As it's Friday and tomorrow is St Nicholas' day, a little levity with a 
moral may be in order.

Newsflash from Santa, Inc.

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the 
early reindeer retirement program has triggered a good deal of concern 
about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring 
decisions here at corporate headquarters. Streamlining was necessary due 
to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution 
business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have 
diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit 
further erosion of shareholder equity and return. The reindeer 
downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model 
Japanese sled and the success of the CEO's new diet.

Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the 
Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reductions in reindeer will 
also lessen the airborne environmental emissions for which we have 
received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's 
traditional team leader position will not be disturbed. Management 
denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that 
Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. 
Calling Rudolph, "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his 
share of the load," was an unfortunate comment made by one of Santa's 
helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to 
be under executive stress.

We assure all our customers that service will in no way be affected and 
no further changes in the delivery department are presently contemplated.

However, the following economy measures are to be taken in the "Twelve 
Days of Christmas" subsidiary, where profitability has not reached 
forecasted levels.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be 
the cash crop envisioned. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging 
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost 
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours cannot be 
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain. Research shows the French are very 
popular.

The four calling birds are being replaced by an automated voice mail 
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is under way to 
determine who the birds were calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. 
Maintaining a portfolio based on a single commodity could have negative 
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other 
precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks 
appears to be in order.

The six geese a-laying constitute a luxury that we can no longer afford. 
It has long been felt that the production rate of 1 egg per goose per 
day is an example of the decline of productivity. Three geese will be 
let go, and through improved management a production goal of 2 eggs per 
goose per day can be achieved. We must outperform the competition.

The seven swans a-swimming performed only a decorative function. While 
beautiful, in these times, beauty is not its own reward. They will be 
replaced by mechanical swans. Outplacement services will be provided to 
retrain the swans in some new strokes.

As you know, the eight maids a-milking concept has been under scrutiny 
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. In 
addition, this was regarded as a deadend position with no upward 
mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try 
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

The nine ladies dancing has been identified as a cause of 
disproportionate numbers of repetitive motion injuries. The function 
will be outsourced to an overseas vendor and performance video tape 
distributed in lieu of the expensive personal appearances.

Ten Lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords prompted the 
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with out of work 
Congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat reduced the ability 
of the Congressmen to dodge and evade should prove a viable alternative.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of 
excessive fat in a successful organization. A substitution of a string 
quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce immediate 
improvements in the bottom line.

Stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. We will ship all 
products on an In- order -today, ship - today basis.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking 
expansion to include the Legal profession (thirteen lawyers a-suing), 
management is confident that any rational interpretation of Christmas 
will not include lawyers.

Management feels these measures will suffice to ensure productivity and 
our bonuses. Should, however, additional measures become necessary, we 
may examine the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the 
rightsized number.

---------------------------------------------------
Technet Mail List provided as a service by IPC using LISTSERV 15.0
To unsubscribe, send a message to [log in to unmask] with following text in
the BODY (NOT the subject field): SIGNOFF Technet
To temporarily halt or (re-start) delivery of Technet send e-mail to [log in to unmask]: SET Technet NOMAIL or (MAIL)
To receive ONE mailing per day of all the posts: send e-mail to [log in to unmask]: SET Technet Digest
Search the archives of previous posts at: http://listserv.ipc.org/archives
Please visit IPC web site http://www.ipc.org/contentpage.asp?Pageid=4.3.16 for additional information, or contact Keach Sasamori at [log in to unmask] or 847-615-7100 ext.2815
-----------------------------------------------------

ATOM RSS1 RSS2