And it all started with a cup of tea onboard S/S Beaver.....the brits
have themselves to blame, tea is a dangerous drug.
/Inge
-----Original Message-----
From: TechNet [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of Joe Fjelstad
Sent: den 26 maj 2008 00:21
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: [TN] Fwd: Message from the Queen - NTC
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Sent: 5/25/2008 12:46:42 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subj: Message from the Queen
** Important, please read thoroughly! ** To the citizens of the
United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which
she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary.')
------- -----------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.
----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
7. Al l intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables.
Both round abouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
--------------------
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on c alling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can o nly be due to
the beer. They
are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American
'beer' brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue
in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS:
Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a
good
sense of humour and NOT humor.)
Friday came early this week... ;-)
Cheers,
Joe
**************Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with
Tyler Florence" on AOL Food.
(http://food.aol.com/tyler-florence?video=4&?NCID=aolfod00030000000002)
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