Joe,
I expect that since you guys have elected a fair number of Republican presidents of late, you may get some hate mail.
Except for your whopping national debt (and Iraq) we would be happy to accept you as the 11th through to the 60th province.
I could go on about the parts of the Pacific Northwest, North Dakota, Minnesota and Maine that should be part of Canukistan ( so we are called by some in your country :). ) By I will end here.
Regards,
Bev
----- Original Message -----
From: TechNet <[log in to unmask]>
To: [log in to unmask] <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sun May 25 18:20:38 2008
Subject: [TN] Fwd: Message from the Queen - NTC
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Sent: 5/25/2008 12:46:42 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subj: Message from the Queen
** Important, please read thoroughly! **
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice
of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does
not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the
suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary.')
------- -----------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your
behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to
a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
7. Al l intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both round abouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
--------------------
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on c alling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can o nly be due to the beer. They
are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
'beer' brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can
be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with
a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South
Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face
the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS:
Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good
sense of humour and NOT humor.)
Friday came early this week... ;-)
Cheers,
Joe
**************Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with
Tyler Florence" on AOL Food.
(http://food.aol.com/tyler-florence?video=4&?NCID=aolfod00030000000002)
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