Thanks Brian,

Along the same line, I just received this...


The state of Virginia this past summer adopted new fire codes that
prohibit certain apartment dwellers from possessing a freshly cut
Christmas tree. The rationale is that, in buildings without sprinkler
systems, dried-out Christmas trees can become lethal. A fir so easily
becomes a fire.

Naturally the new codes, when publicized this week, triggered widespread

hysteria and protests. Some state and local fire officials responded by
saying they wouldn't enforce the ban.

That would be tragic, because, in addition to building roads and schools

and waging the occasional war in a distant land, the obligation of the
government is to protect citizens from freak accidents that kill a
handful of people every year in a country of 280 million. This new law
should be the catalyst for a sweeping crackdown on all the hazards that
make Christmas notorious as the season of misery and death.

Here is a list, compiled over several hours of careful risk analysis, of

all the things that must be banned immediately before someone gets hurt:



1. Eggnog. Hideously fattening; leads to coronary artery disease. When
"spiked" it incites the drinker to turn to more dangerous holiday
beverages, including mulled wine, hard cider and schnapps.

2. Decorations. Broken glass ornaments can lead to fatal bleeding in
hemophiliacs. Strings of lights offer unusual electrocution
opportunities. Extravagant outdoor lighting displays can cause
automobile pileups on the street and/or blindness. Live animals in a
manger might bite children.

3. Carols. Hypothermia risk. Certain high notes are hard to hit, causing

embarrassment, stress and other harbingers of early death. Religious
themes of carols could prove offensive to some listeners and
inadvertently trigger a clash of civilizations.

4. Sledding. Involves a kinetic event that would more properly be
described as skidding. Any close analysis will reveal that sleds not
only have poor traction but are expressly designed to have minimal grip
on a slick surface. Should be every bit as illegal as dangling a baby
from a balcony.

5. Hearths. The ultimate fire hazard. People often use them to have open

fires, complete with exploding embers that can land on furniture, on
heavily gelled hair or even on a small furry pet that could suddenly go
FOOF! and turn into the Yowling Fireball of Doom.

6. Menorahs. Still more open fire. Why not just pass around blowtorches
and cans of gasoline?

7. Artificial Christmas trees. Fairfax County assistant fire marshal
Mike Reilly, defending the ban on cut trees, said Tuesday: "I just put
up my nine-foot artificial tree. I don't think it's a major
inconvenience when you look at the risks." Obviously, plastic Christmas
trees are growing to enormous size these days, and anyone who stands
under a nine-foot colossus runs the risk of being crushed.

8. Gifts. Small gifts are a choking hazard. Large gifts lead to hernias.

Coal in the stocking of a person who has been bad poses a severe fire
risk. CDs have wrapping that requires the use of knives and scissors in
a manner that can lead to the loss of a finger. Shopping leads to
excessive debt, anxiety and compensatory high-risk behaviors such as
smoking, heavy drinking and attempted gift returns. Improper
gift-buying, such as when a well-meaning male gives his sweetheart
something unromantic, like a Dustbuster, or a 52-piece socket wrench
set, or a jumbo can of Dr. Scholl's Foot Deodorant Spray, can lead to
domestic violence.

9. Mistletoe. The number of unwanted pregnancies resulting from the
placement of mistletoe on the ceiling and over doorways has never been
properly calculated, but is surely astronomical. Tongues are a choking
hazard.

10. Shopping mall Santas. A strange man wearing a disguise who asks
small children to sit in his lap. You make the call.

11. Reindeer. Lyme disease vectors.

12. Elves. Ideology and political allegiance unknown. Terror risk?



Happy Christmas,
Joe